Thursday, August 28, 2014

Chapter 1.

Revised Chapter 1

Chapter 1
       A cabin, upon a hill, was set ablaze by a few men, who had been put on a path of destruction. They were the people who had lit the house on fire. "There is nothing for you here," they said, in a gruff tone before forcing the young girl onto the horse and soon turned away from the blazing fire and took her away. It was obvious that money has caused this greedy behavior and Emily was disgusted as she was shoved away from the house.
Emily had this deathly glare, which was quickly smacked from her face by the man. It was an abrupt slap that caused Emily to turn her head. The man, who had laid a hand upon her had grabbed her chin, forcing her to look at him, muttering something along the lines of a threat, which caused Emily to close her eyes as tears slipped down her cheeks. She was scared. She knew that she could not fight these men. They could kill her, and no one would ever know. She was at the mercy of these men. They ran on greed and anger, since they worked for the city’s landlord, who had loaned out his land to immigrants like Emily’s family and if the immigrants couldn’t pay, then they were killed. There was no if, ands, or buts. 
Emily replayed the whole events, as she rubbed her cheek with a small frown. Anger began to boil within her body. She had never been this angry before. 
Emily was intent on getting revenge now.
                                                                                              ~~~~~~
Five years had past. Five years that she thought would be good, but they weren't. She worked in a brothel with several other women, cleaning up after nasty, old men, who tried to flirt with her. She wasn’t the worker, who slept with the men. Emily was a cook, not a whore.
Emily stood behind bar, it was an unusually slow day and the door opened, sounding the small chime and Emily looked up. A nice looking man soon confronted her. He was young looking, maybe about twenty-three years old, Irish, and stunning. 
The man spoke to Emily, " hello, Miss. I need a room for the next week." Even his voice made Emily melt further into the floor. He was just amazing.
Emily nodded her head and pulled out the guest book and handed the man something to write with, "sign here and I will get you, your key." Their eyes met and Emily swore she could feel shivers run down her spine as his bright green eyes met her pale, grey ones. She gulped and turned away to grab the key, off the wall, and handed it to him. "Have a nice stay. The bar is open from 6, in the morning, to 11, in the evening," Emily offered and the man nodded to her and walked off. Emily stole a glance, at the book, where the money, for the room had been laid, grabbing the money and sighed heavily. His name was Parker. Parker McClare. What an attractive name to go along with that handsome face. 
"Looks like someone caught glimpses of her future husband," Maria, the Head Mistress came around the corner, grabbing the money with a grin. Maria was like all the girls' mother. She had taken a liking to Emily and how quiet and low key she was. Emily pulled her weight and did not slack, one bit. 
Emily held a small blush and nodded a bit. She would admit, Emily did seem to have taken a liking to that man, with just first glimpses. "Mother, he was beautiful though," Emily looked at Maria and Maria just nodded and chuckled. 
"I bet he was," Maria knew she was going to see him again, but she also hoped that Emily was not going to put too much on this guy. He was staying in a place with a lot of women here, to please him in ways that Emily had no idea about. Maria just gave a soft kiss to the girl's forehead and sighed. "Go ahead and go to sleep. You've worked enough," Maria shooed Emily away.
Emily nodded as untied the apron, holding it in her small hands. "Thank you. See you tomorrow," Emily bowed slightly and hung her apron aside before heading up the stairs and went into her bedroom, which was actually right next to Parker's.

2 comments:

  1. A couple of things to fix:
    Make your paragraphs shorter. Remember to break up each of the camera angles and separate dialogue.

    In paragraph 2 you start in present tense then go back to past tense.

    In paragraph 3 you start a sentence with a numeral. Don't to it. Always spell out a numeral that begins a sentence

    Curiosity 1/2 missing context/learning for this
    Inspiration 1/3 see above
    Examples 3
    Writing terms 1/2 should be included in your commentary
    Writing 2/2
    8/12

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  2. I know what Emily likes and I know what Emily thinks, but I don't know why she likes it or why she thinks the way she does.

    In your characterization--and this will come as you develop the story more--focus on getting inside her head.
    -Why does she want revenge? What has made her a vengeful person?
    -Why is she such a hard worker? Why doesn't she slack off?
    -Why does she think Parker is beautiful? What sets him apart?

    To invest in a character, readers need to be able to relate to them, or at least relate to their struggles.

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